LM499 Plan-A

LM, Episode 499. 4/11/21

The weekend receptionist at the Block office where I’m working, Joni, makes Friday night and Saturday afternoon fun.  I was making coffee when Joni walks in, saying, ““I’ll make it for you.”

“Joni, if my mom heard I was letting someone wait on me, she’d come down from Chicago and beat me and she shouldn’t be driving after dark.”

I got in early one Saturday and when Joni observed, “You’re in early,” I said, “Yes, last night I went to the boats, put our $2,800 of stimulus money on red, and lost it all, so I need the money.”

Joni says, “You don’t gamble, do you?  Would your mom beat you for that too?”

We’re supposed to stay open until 7 on Saturday, but our boss, Bill, has told us, if there aren’t any appointments, we can leave at 6 pm.  Joni calls this Plan A

First of all, if you’re getting your taxes done at 6 o’clock on Saturday night, you need to seriously examine your life.  Maybe you should look into those social anxiety pills and develop some relationships.  The only way your life could be more dismal and depressing is if you’re the one doing tax returns on Saturday night.

Every Saturday night, by 5:45 the only two left in the office are Joni and me.  She and I confirm that Plan A is in effect and by 6:15, we’re waking across the parking lot to our cars wishing each other a nice evening.

One Saturday at 5:45 pm, Joni says, “I have good news and bad news.  You can follow Plan A tonight, but I have to stay because a client is picking something up.”

I go, “So, what’s the bad news?”

Joni snaps, “Oh no you didn’t.  Give me your phone, I’m calling your momma.”

Joni makes me laugh and we all know how much laughter matters.

LM498 Saturday Morning Live

LM, Episode 498, 4/10/21, Saturday Morning Live

LM497 Namaste

LM, Episode 497, 4/9/21, Namaste

Before the pandemic hit, Twyla was dragging me to Yoga class. It was awful.  First of all, if God intended me to breath into my left armpit, that’s where my nose would be.

Twyla is graceful and fluid. I look like a fish flopping around on hot cement.  My down dog looks like a dog that should be put down because after 53 years of running, my legs don’t bend like most people my age.

Plus, they don’t like you wearing shoes in class.  “Sir, we must remove your shoes in honor of the yugdharma.”

“Listen, Yoda, I’ve done yoga before, always with my shoes on, there’s never been a disturbance in the force.”

“But we want to connect with mother earth.”

“We’re on the second floor.”

“Figuratively, we want to connect with mother earth.”

“Fine, figuratively, I’m barefoot.”

But I quit because the last time I went, Yoda tried to kill me.  He brings me one of the smallpox blankets they have laying around, “Here, Kent, lay your head on this so your face will be covered in flesh eating bacteria.”

Twyla goes, “He didn’t say that.”

“I heard what I heard.

Now, according to the Alabama legislature, Yoda has even more nefarious intentions.  They have outlawed yoga in schools because they’re afraid it will convert children to Hinduism.  If Alabama wants the rest of the country to stop making fun of them, they should stop showing their ignorance.  There are plenty of reasons to hate yoga, without making up stuff.  Oh, sure, they use the Hindu greeting, “namaste,” but every time I pick up food at our local Mexican restaurant, Manny says, “adidos,” I doubt he’s trying to convert me to be Mexican.

Democratic state Representative, Jeremy Gray, is working to overturn this law because millions are helped by yoga, some even enjoy it.  I’m not one of them, but I wish him the best in his efforts.

I’ll close by saying, “namaste,” and always remember laughter matters.

LM497 My Second Vaccine Shot

LM, Episode 497, 4/8/21, My Second Vaccine Shot

Today I get my second covid vaccine shot, which means in two weeks I can return to many of the activities Covid has robbed me of this past year.  We can see our kids as they are all getting their second shot this week too.  I can see my parents and their new house in Chicago.  I can also return to live, in person performing.

The good news is, after initial hesitance, most people are getting vaccinated, with the exception of Republican men. Half of Republican men, including my hillbilly uncle, Don, say they will not get vaccinated.  They don’t trust the “government,” or science and trust Fox News, especially Tucker Carlson. 

Researchers believe, as these men see their family and friends getting vaccinated, they will relent and they encourage all of us to tell them about our vaccination, which causes me a conundrum.  I know encouraging Don to get vaccinated is the right thing to do, but two weeks after he and Maude are vaccinated, I’ll lose my excuse that I’ve used for over a year to not see them.  “Sure, Mom, I’d love to see Maude and Don, but with their health issues, I don’t want to give them covid.”

So, Don and Maude, if you’re listening, I’d continue trusting Tucker, Sean Hannity, and the rest of those at Fox News.  They’ve never lied to you before. 

Always remember laughter matters.

LM495 The Birdcage

LM, Episode 495, 4/6/21, Come on, Gloria

Maggie and I love the movie Birdcage because it lays out the hypocrisy of conservatives and it’s hilariously funny.   We are constantly quoting it.  When she was in grad school in England, Twyla and I went to visit her.  I wore running socks with pink trim just so she’d say, “Well, one does want a hint of color,” and she didn’t disappoint me.

The character we quote the most is Hank Azaria’s Agador.  This winter Twyla’s been making chicken tortilla soup every Friday night.  I take a picture of my bowl and say, “We’re having sweet and sour peasant soup.”  Maggie always replies, “It’s like a stew.”

When I get a second beer at Maggie’s, I’ll say, “I don’t really drink,” and she always responds, “Yes, now’s the time to pretend.”   

Last week I was doing a tax return for a woman named Gloria.  As I started, I heard myself say out loud, “Come on, Gloria.”  Someone in the next office asked someone else, “Who’s Kent talking to?”  

They go, “I don’t know.  It’s someone named Gloria,” which made Maggie laugh even harder when I told her.  She never forgets laughter matters.