LM428 Judas Might Get a Reprieve

LM, Episode 427, 1/25/21

When I was in college, I read Dante’s The Divine Comedy.  In it, Dante takes a tour of the afterlife, including purgatory, heaven, and hell, or what he called the inferno.
                                                                                                                                                                     There were nine circles of hell, depending on the sins you committed in life and each had their own punishment.  Those who struggled with anger were thrown into the river Styx and tear each other apart.  The violent spend eternity in a boiling river of blood.  Thieves sit in a pit of vipers and when they are bitten, they turn into a viper to bite other thieves.  People who flatter spend eternity in a river of feces, which is, probably, the origin of the expression, “up shit’s creek without a paddle.”

If Dante’s is correct, someday there will be more inhabitants of the inferno. When the Sakler family, owners of Purdue Pharma, die, if Dante is correct, they are destined for hell. These people, knowing how addictive and dangerous their drug, Oxycontin, is, they paid doctors to overprescribe the drug, leading to 450,000 overdose deaths in the past 20 years. And if that wasn’t bad enough, they hired McKinsey Consulting to help, “turbocharge,” sales.  McKinsey came up with the idea of paying distributors a rebate of $14,810 for every person who died from pills the distributor sold, I guess to ease their conscience.  They predicted that CVS alone would cause 2,484 customers to die a year.  McKinsey also helped Purdue Pharma with messaging to counter grieving mothers who lost teenager children to overdoses.  All of this in the name of making MORE money.

Today on Management Monday, we all need to make profits, but I hope no one will ever go to the egregious lengths these POS’s did.

Dante envisioned Lucier is a three headed monster and in his mouths he is chewing on the three biggest sinners of all time, Judas, Cassius, and Brutus, but I believe when the Sakler family and those from McKinsey Consultants arrive, Judas, Cassius, and Burtus will have a good chance for a reprieve.  “Oh, sure we killed Jesus and Caesar, but, come one, these people raised the bar on evil.”

Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.

LM427 Laughter Matters Lucy 1-24

LM, Episode 427, 1/24/21, Lucy Liffer, written by Maggie Lou Rader and Kent Rader

You’re watching Channel 66’s 6:00 up to date, hard-hitting, soul-crushing, news with America’s only White House approved anchor, reporting 2020’s maximum damage with minimum skirt, (wink) it’s me, Lucy Liffer.

Tonight’s top story, in spite of losing the election in a landslide, Joe Biden was inaugurated as the 46th president of the United States.  I don’t know how America will sleep at night without our glorious leader or their My Pillow as My Pillow Guy, Mike Lindell, won’t sell to any country that is against democratic principles like martial law. 

Of course, Sleepy Joe had the smallest crowd since Rutherford B Hayes, unlike four years ago when every American, all 300 million, crowded into the Washington Mall to watch the 45th president’s swearing in. But who can blame Americans? Sleepy Joe could only get B-List performers  like Lady Gaga, J Lo, and Garth Brooks to perform, unlike the star studded affair four years ago with Jackie Evancho (evaynko), Marlana VanHoose and Chachi. You remember. You were there.

Believers of QAnon held out hope until Sleepy Joe’s swearing in that the 45th president would launch the “storm,” arresting and imprisoning members of the Deep State.  One supporter said in disbelief, “It doesn’t make sense that we all could be played for fools.”  No, sir. No it doesn’t. And don’t you dare let your beliefs be intruded upon by nasty little liberal hoaxes such as reality. 

Our glorious leader pardoned 143 people including Jeanine Pirro’s ex-husband, one Lil Wayne, and the only man in America who could give Harvey Weistein a run for the title of ugliest white man in prison, Steve Bannon. Shockingly, he did not pardon  should be governor and mullet aficionado, Joe Exotic, effectively cancelling season two of The Tiger King. Merry Christmas Carol Baskin. 

Senate Leader, Beelzebub McConnell, proposed the second impeachment of our 45th president should be postponed until February, so our glorious leader can have enough time to come up with his defense and get his alternative facts in order. 

Sleepy Joe reconnected the button the glorious leader used to summon a Diet Coke back to the nuclear missiles, but not before getting hyped up on caffeine and signing 17 executive orders on his first afternoon in office. The orders include stopping construction on the Keystone Pipeline, overturning the Muslum ban, rejoining the WHO and the Paris Climate Accord, and making mask wearing mandatory in all federal buildings.  Instead of Making America Great Again, it seems his campaign slogan is Destroy America’s Magnificence Nobility or DAMN.     

Great American patriot Sean Hanity pointed out this week that it is no coincidence that on Sleepy Joe’s first day in office, 400,000 Americans are now dead of the coronavirus.  By the way, Sean, nice suntan on your nose.

And while we’re at it, Hey Fox News, want to throw a girl a bone? Ya girl is down to film, if you catch my drift. But really. In a Sleepy Joe administration, the news is getting more boring by the day, what with press secretaries giving straight answers (whatever kind of game that is) and talk of compromise on the congressional horizon. Hard Hitting News may start to struggle. So bring me on Fox, girl needs a new pair of designer shoes.

That’s all for tonight. Thank you for joining me on this slow, daily descent into the dark tomb that is the death of journalism, goodness, and life as we know it. I’m Lucy Liffer, goodnight, and fuck off. 

LM426 Laughter Matters-Superman Panties

Saturday Morning Replay

LM425 Twyla Told Me To Keep My Mouth Shut

LM, Episode 425, 1/22/21

Driving to Twyla’s Aunt Eleanora’s 90th birthday party, I made a snide comment about one of Twyla’s goofy relatives.  Getting out of the car, she instructed me, “You need to keep your mouth shut today.”

Whenever one of her relatives greeted me, “Hey, Kent,” I’d respond, “Twyla told me to keep my mouth shut.”

“Hey, Kent, how are you?”

“Twyla told me to keep my mouth shut.”

I knew full well her relatives would get on to her, “Twyla, why is Kent not allowed to talk?”  All except her aunts, Ruth and Wanita.  When I told them, “Twyla told me to keep my mouth shut,” they responded, “That sounds like pretty good advice to us.”

Those two knew just what to say to make me laugh.  They always remembered laughter matters.

LM424 Happy birthday Mom

LM, Episode 424, 1/21/21, Rose’s Birthday?
A few years ago, after a funeral, someone said, “Oh, I met your mom. Someone told me about her killing a rattlesnake with an ax and I asked her, ‘Weren’t you scared.’ She said, ‘Why should I be scared, I was the one with the ax.’”
I told him, “That woman has never been scared of anything.”
She never backed down from anything, so you can imagine my shock when I’m nine, she gets stopped for speeding, and turns into Scarlet O’Hara. She’s like, :Oh, fiddle dee dee, officer, I had no idea I was speeding, I’m just so busy with cookin’ and cleanin’.”
He says, “Don’t you worry your pretty little head ‘bout it. You drive careful now, ya hear.”
“What was that?’
She says, “That is how stuipd men are.”
“Momma, I’m not that stupid, am I?”
“You will be, baby, you will be.”
A couple of years ago, when she meets me for lunch, she exasperatedly says, “Well, I’m, officially, old. I got stopped for speeding and couldn’t flirt my way out of a ticket.”
Today is Mom’s birthday. Her middle name is Amelia after Amelia Earhart and, like her namesake, she has been a pioneer. Mom broke down barriers in America that have given her granddaughters opportunities they take for granted, she refused to raise her children with the lie of racism prevalent during her childhood, and she reduced the rattlesnake population of Ray County, MO. Happy Birthday, Mom. I look forward to when we can get together and celebrate.
Always remember laughter matters.