LM657 Uranus Fudge

LM, Episode 657, 9/21/21, Uranus Fudge

I was driving through Missouri last week and near Ft. Leonard Wood, there was a business named Uranus Fudge.  Needless to say, I didn’t stop.  The only person who would think this is a good name for a business is someone who smokes way too much pot.

My favorite Missouri establishment is in Lamar, Crazy Debbie’s Fireworks, Cigarettes, and Liquor store or, as  my brother, Michael, would call it, a one stop shop for Valentine’s Day.  This is a disaster waiting to happen.  Everyone knows what happens when you smoke around explosives and, with all that alcohol, the place will burn for a week.  No wonder Debbie has mental health issues.

My new least favorite business in Missouri is the Express Stop in Lebanon, MO.  I left my phone cord in the hotel room, so, while I was getting gas, I went in to buy a phone cord.  I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but I was the only one in rural Missouri wearing capri workout pants and a mask. 

When I get to the car, I realize the cord doesn’t fit my phone.  I return inside with my receipt, which was stupid because he remembered me from my pants and mask.  I tell him I need to exchange the cord for one that fits. 

He succinctly says, “No refunds.”

“I’m not asking for a refund.  I want to exchange it for this one.”

“If you want that one, you’ll have to buy it.”

“Why in the world would I do that?”

So I went to the zoo or what the locals call the Wal-Mart.  I bought a cord and a pair of camo pajama pants so I would fit in better with the locals.

Take care and always remember laughter matters.

LM656 Manager Monday

LM, Episode 656, 9/20/21

Today’s Laughter Matters discusses an issue that is not suitable for young ears.

I am sickened thinking about what women in Afghanistan will be experiencing in the future under Taliban rule, but you know there are women there thinking, “Sure I have to be covered from head to toe to go out in public, but at least I don’t live in Texas.”

The old, pasty white, man who wrote Texas’s new abortion law, Jonathan Mitchell, said this week women can control their reproductive lives without access to abortion by abstainance.   There is one thing for certain, the women of Texas will be abstaining from sex with Mr. Mitchell.

Polls show states with restrictive reproductive laws will have trouble in the future recruiting and retaining college educated workers.  75% of women say they won’t work in Texas and 73% say they won’t apply for a job there.  Two thirds of college educated adults won’t apply for a job in Texas and half say they are considering moving if their state enacts similar laws.  

You don’t have to be an economist to know that a highly skilled and educated workforce is essential to a thriving economy. Today on Management Monday, if you are needing skilled, educated workers, you will not want to locate in states with restrictive reproductive laws and, if you are already located there, understand that the legislature will eventually figure this out, but it will only happen once their economic base begins to collapse.  You may want to work to enlighten these politicians as to the economic storm clouds gathering on the horizon.

I want to close with the wisdom of the illustrious Betty White, “If men could get pregnant, abortions would be available at Jiffy Lube.”  Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.

LM655 Norm MacDonald

LM, Episode 655, 

This week former SNL Weekend Update host and fellow comedian, Norm MacDonald, passed away.  I never met or worked with him, but my friends who did say he was a genuinely nice and funny guy. 

Mike Preston said he when worked with Norm, Norm asked him to be sure to mention Norm’s HBO special which was coming out.  When Mike asked him when it would premier, Norm said, “I don’t know, I don’t get HBO.”

Norm is famous for constantly making fun of OJ Simpson.  In fact, people claim it is what got Norm fired from SNL.  When OJ Simpson was acquitted, Norm lead Weekend Update with, “It’s finally official, murder is legal in California.”

Seth Meyers said he told Norm he had to consciously work on not sounding like Norn when he did Weekend Update.  Norm told Seth his son said, “Dad you talk like Seth Meyers.”  Norn said, “I realized my son doesn’t know how time works.”

I encourage you to do yourself a favor today.  Google Norm’s story about not liking Polish jokes he told on Conan.  Norm spent his lifetime reminding us laughter matters.

LM654 Safe Seat

Saturday Morning Live

LM653 Laughter Matters-Word

LM, Episode 653, 17/9/21, 

A few years ago, following a show in Detroit, two women hit on me.  This is a rare occurrence because my act is full of stories about my wife, Twyla, our children, and our grandson.  They ask if I want to accompany them to a bar. I tell them, “Thank you, but I am going back to my hotel.”

“We could go to your hotel with you.”

“Yeah, I am sure Twyla would not approve of that”  

I couldn’t wait to tell Twyla.  She responds, “Did they not see your act?”

My routine after is a show is to go to my room for a couple of beers, listening to the recording of the show, and re-writing on the new stuff from that show, then, just before going to sleep at 1 or 2 am, I check Facebook to make sure our two grown children are still alive. 

That night Maggie had posted something political and a guy replied with something vile about women in general and Maggie in particular.  Maggie’s husband, Justin, her cousin, Jon, her brother and brother-in-laws had all jumped all over him, a couple even threatening him with violence.

I posted for this guy, “If you would spend less time trolling on Facebook, you could get a job and afford to move out of your mom’s basement.”  That was a mistake. For the next hour my phone dinged every minute or two with this guy sending me private messages, the last one saying, “If you say one more word, I’m calling the police and having you arrested.”

This is stupid.  First of all, I think the Detroit police have bigger problems at 2 o’clock in the morning than settling an online dispute, but, secondly, I learned a long time ago on the playground at Shotwell School in Richmond, MO, when you stand up to a bully, they back down.  I reply, “Word.”

He responds, “I like you,” to which I tell him to do something to himself that my physician tells me is physically impossible. 

Today I want to encourage you, if you want to reduce your stress, take a day or two off of social media.  Research shows it is addictive, it causes us anxiety, depression, and stress, plus, like that night it Detroit, it is a waste of your valuable time.

Have a great Thursday and to that young man, I am still waiting on the Detroit police to arrest me.